Apart from being stupid, I believe I am depressed. For the last 6 months or so I have been down, no energy to do anything and it all seems useless. Life has no meaning.
I am 28, currently in a relationship with a guy who has two kids. Kids are great, they are with their mum most of the time and when they come it's usually fun to hang around. But that is when the depression sinks in. I often think how I will never have kids on my own (since he has his own), I think that I would never be a good mother and that it is a good thing that the situation is as it is. He is working 15 hours a day but that does not produce any money. The business he started is sinking and he does not realise that, maybe he does but is too scared to be jobless again. This of course means that he will not ask me to marry him any time soon. We've been together for almost two years now and it looks like we are cooling off a bit. And I think it could be money related. I am making good money at the moment, but he feels like shit and to be honest I feel like shit too. I make good money and cannot buy myself pair of shoes. It does not look like this is ever going to change. For the whole time we have been together he was able to pay half of the bills for one month only. This scares me a lot. I would like to be safe and taken care of. I do not see myself going out of the relationship though, I've been alone for a very long time and only people who have been alone for such a long time can judge me for staying with someone even if the relationship is not working. I think I should try harder to make it work. I found a job that he can apply at and I think he would be good at it. I've suggested that today, so we will see. I have not been on holiday, I never do any of the things that I enjoy because he does not have time or money and I just dont see myself enjoying if we cannot share it. He is often rude and makes nasty comments regarding other people and it brings me down. Makes me feel bad.
I find myself doing my job very bad as well as I am so depressed. It looks like this state of mind will never end.
I do not want to end the relationship no matter what, I've done that my whole life and I came to a conclusion that it is not them, it is me. I should try harder. And that is what I am doing now.
Not to mention that before I met him I was a wreck emotionally, but not like now. This condition looks more like depression, back then I was frustrated, mad, furious, scared, annoyed, annoying...