*** A House Divided—
What if you are in a troubled marriage and have thought about divorce? This article has presented compelling reasons to reconsider. Divorce is not a cure-all for marital misery.
But do not misunderstand: The answer is not simply to tolerate a bad marriage. There is another option—If your marriage is in trouble, why not work to make it better? Do not hastily dismiss this idea by asserting that your marital problems are incurable.
Ask yourself these questions:
▪ ‘What qualities initially drew me to my spouse? Are not those qualities still there to a degree?’—Proverbs 31:10, 29.
▪ ‘Can the feelings that I had before marriage be rekindled?’—Song of Solomon 2:2; 4:7.
▪ ‘Despite the actions of my mate, what can I do to apply the suggestions found on pages 3 to 9 of this magazine?’—Romans 12:18.
*** p. 3 Secret 1: The Right Priorities ***
“Make sure of the more important things.”—Philippians 1:10.
What this means. In successful marriages, each spouse puts the other’s needs ahead of self, possessions, job, friends, and even other relatives. Husband and wife spend plenty of time with each other and with the children. Both are willing to make sacrifices for the interests of the family.—Philippians 2:4.Try this exercise. Rate your sense of priority, using the following questions as a guide.
▪ When my spouse or child needs to talk, do I give that person my attention as soon as possible?
▪ When talking to others about my activities, do I often find myself discussing things I do with my family?
▪ Would I turn down added responsibility (on the job or elsewhere) if my family needed my time?
If you answered yes to the above questions, you might assume that you have the right priorities. But how would your spouse and children rate you? How we see ourselves is not the only yardstick by which our priorities are measured. And that same principle holds true with the other secrets to success that will be discussed on the following pages.
Make a resolve. Think of one or two ways in which you could demonstrate that your family comes first. (For example: Think of cutting back on things that may be intruding on the time that would be better spent with your spouse and children.)
Why not share your resolves with your family? When one member shows willingness to change, the others are more likely to follow.
*** p. 4 Secret 2: Commitment ***
“What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:6.
What this means. Successful couples view their marriage as a permanent union. When a problem arises, they strive to solve it rather than use it as an excuse to abandon the marriage. When spouses have a sense of commitment, they feel secure. Each trusts that the other will continue to honor the union.Try this exercise. Rate your level of commitment, using the following questions as a guide.
▪ When we are in the midst of a dispute, do I find myself regretting that I married my spouse?
▪ Do I often daydream about being with someone other than my spouse?
▪ Do I sometimes tell my spouse, “I’m leaving you” or “I’m going to find someone who appreciates me”?
Make a resolve. Think of one or two actions you could take to strengthen your commitment. (Some ideas: Write an occasional note to your spouse, keep photos of your spouse on display at work, or phone your spouse each day from work, just to stay in touch.)
Why not come up with several suggestions and then ask your spouse which would be most meaningful to him or her?
*** p. 5 Secret 3: Teamwork ***
“Two are better than one . . . If one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.”—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
What this means. Successful couples respect God’s headship arrangement as outlined in the Bible. (Ephesians 5:22-24) Nevertheless, both husband and wife view their marriage in terms of “ours” and “we” rather than “mine” and “me.” When there is teamwork, husband and wife are no longer single at heart. They are “one flesh”—a Bible term that describes not only the permanence of the union but also its intimacy.—Genesis 2:24.Try this exercise. Rate your spirit of teamwork by answering the following questions.
▪ Do I view the money I earn as “all mine,” since I am the one who earned it?
▪ Do I keep my distance from my spouse’s relatives, even though he or she is close to them?
▪ To relax fully, do I need to be away from my spouse?
Make a resolve. Think of one or two ways you could show yourself to be more team-oriented with your spouse.
Why not ask your spouse what he or she would suggest?
*** p. 6 Secret 4: Respect ***
“Let all . . . screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you.”—Ephesians 4:31.
What this means. Both troubled and successful families have disagreements. But successful families discuss matters without resorting to sarcasm, insults, and other forms of abusive speech. Family members treat one another as they themselves would like to be treated.—Matthew 7:12.Try this exercise. Rate the level of respect in your family by answering the following questions.
▪ In my family, do disagreements usually end with one person storming out of the room?
▪ When I speak to my spouse or children, do I resort to using insulting words, such as “stupid,” “idiot,” or something similar?
▪ Was I raised in an atmosphere in which abusive speech was common?
Make a resolve. Think of one or two goals you could set with regard to showing respect in your speech. (Idea: Resolve to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, “I feel hurt when you . . . ,” rather than “You are always . . .”)
Why not let your spouse know of your goal(s)? In three months, check with your spouse to see how you have progressed.
Think of some limits you can set so that you do not use abusive speech when communicating with your children.
Why not apologize to your children for times when you may have spoken to them harshly or sarcastically?
***p. 7 Secret 5: Reasonableness ***
“Let your reasonableness become known.”—Philippians 4:5.
What this means. In successful families, husbands and wives make allowances for each other’s mistakes. (Romans 3:23) They are also neither unduly rigid nor overly permissive with their children. They set a modest number of household rules. When correction is needed, they give it “to the proper degree.”—Jeremiah 30:11.Try this exercise. Rate your level of reasonableness by answering the following questions.
▪ When was the last time you praised your spouse?
▪ When was the last time you criticized your spouse?
Make a resolve. If you struggled to find an answer to the first question in the accompanying exercise but had no problem answering the second, think of a goal you could set with regard to your expectations.
Why not discuss with your spouse what resolves you both might make?
Think of some freedoms you could grant your adolescent as he or she demonstrates a sense of responsibility.
Why not have an open discussion with your adolescent about such issues as curfews?
*** p. 8 Secret 6: Forgiveness ***
“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely.”—Colossians 3:13.
What this means. Successful couples learn from the past; but they do not keep track of old grievances and then use these to make sweeping assertions, such as “You are always late” or “You never listen.” Both husband and wife believe that “it is beauty . . . to pass over transgression.”—Proverbs 19:11.Try this exercise. Look at old photographs of you and your spouse taken earlier in your marriage or during your courtship. Try to rekindle the warmth you felt before problems crept in and clouded your view. Then think of the qualities that first attracted you to your spouse.
▪ What qualities do you most admire about your spouse now?
▪ Think of some positive effects that your being a more forgiving person might have on your children.
Make a resolve. Think of one or two ways you will determine to keep past grievances out of present disagreements you may have with your spouse.
Why not praise your spouse for the qualities you admire about him or her?—Proverbs 31:28, 29.
Consider some ways you will demonstrate forgiveness with your children.
Why not discuss with your children the subject of forgiveness and how the ability to forgive benefits each member of the family?
*** p. 9 Secret 7: A Firm Foundation ***
What this means. Strong families do not endure automatically, any more than a house just keeps standing for many decades. A solid structure needs a firm foundation, and the same is true of a strong family. Successful families are built on a source of guidance that works. Try this exercise. Make a list of the scriptures quoted at the top of pages 3 through 8. Add any other Bible texts that have helped you. Keep a list of these handy, and refer to them often.
Make a resolve. Determine to apply the Bible in your family life.
▪ ‘Can I explain to my mate (face-to-face or in writing) just how I would like our relationship to improve?’—Job 10:1.
▪ ‘Can we sit down with a mature friend who can help us set realistic goals to improve our marriage?’—Proverbs 27:17.
The Bible says: “The shrewd one considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15) That principle applies not just when choosing a mate but also when considering what to do about a marriage relationship that is faltering. Indeed, as brought out on page 9 of this magazine, successful families also have problems—the difference is in how they handle them.
To illustrate: Imagine that you have embarked on a long journey by car. It is inevitable that you will encounter problems along the way, including severe weather, traffic jams, and roadblocks. On occasion, you may even get lost. What will you do? Turn around and go back or find a way to overcome the obstacle and move forward? On the day of your wedding, you embarked on a journey that was sure to bring its share of problems, for the Bible says that “those who marry will have pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28, The New English Bible) The question is not whether problems will arise but how you will face them when they do. Can you find a way to overcome the obstacle and move forward? Even if you feel that your marriage is hopelessly lost, will you try to get help?—James 5:14.
A Divine Institution
Marriage is a divine institution that should not be taken lightly. (Genesis 2:24) When problems seem insurmountable, remember the points discussed in this article.
1. Try to rekindle the love that you once felt.—Song of Solomon 8:6.
2. Decide what you can do to make your marriage better, and then do it.—James 1:22.
3. Clearly but respectfully tell your mate—either face-to-face or in writing—what improvements you feel need to be made in the marriage.—Job 7:11.
4. Get help. You do not have to save your marriage by yourself!
‘THIS TIME I’LL GET IT RIGHT’
Studies reveal that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first ones, and third marriages fare even worse. In his book Emotional Infidelity, M. Gary Neuman points out one reason for this. “If you have difficulties in your first marriage,” he writes, “it’s not all about your poor choice of a spouse. It’s about you. You fell in love with this person. You worked with this person to create whatever you have or don’t have.” Neuman’s conclusion? “It’s better to get rid of the problem and keep your spouse than to get rid of your spouse and keep the problem.”
