Amun

My girlfriend either has no hobbies or friends; all she has is me. How can I help her find stuff?

Posted:: 3+ months ago by Amun
Topics:: friend, girlfriend, stuff, together, relationship, friends

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It is, I suppose, possible that she has both and just doesn't want to talk about them, but we live together and I've never seen her do anything except work for university or hang out with me, and I've never heard her talk to anyone on the phone except her own mother. When we have time off of university, she clings to me 24/7, and gets upset whenever I want to pursue my own hobbies (I write novels and essays, read books, am an amateur programmer and graphics designer, and like to learn languages).

I've started to feel recently that I'm not accomplishing anything that's important or enjoyable to me anymore, because I need to spend every spare moment with her to keep her from feeling neglected. I've tried to find her things she enjoys, I've tried to get her interested in painting and writing and reading and crafting and anything else she shows mild interest in, but all she's ever done is uni work, or watch TV, which she doesn't really like. She doesn't have any friends, either, and never goes out or leaves the appartment unless she has to go to class. Worse still, when we're alone together she never takes initiative and never seems inclined to do anything but sit around and do nothing. I love her, but I can't see the relationship continuing like this. How can I get her to find some hobbies or some friends of her own, so she isn't devoting all her time and energy to me, and so I can have some guiltfree time to do whatever it is I'm interested in?

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bells223

Have you ever considered introducing her into new activities that she might enjoy? Maybe you might want to try and bring her to parks and and maybe get her something that she needs to care for(like a dog) so shes not always on top of you? try it it might work. And maybe introducing her to some of your friends girlfriends. Maybe she will actually make a friend besides you.

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Molmag

What if she has been around nothing but dogs and rescues animals all the time, and it stresses her out? She promised to stop. What if she comes from a semi neglecting/ dangerous home. And her bf is the only one she can breathe around? Why does she have mini panic attacks when her bf is gone with other people without informing her? Why does she want to be included and not left alone? Why does she hate people?

kittymeow...

Molmag that sounds like me mostly. I just want to be around my partner and son all the time. I really do hate people. They are my priority. We both do work so i feel that the hours that each of us arent working we should be spending together. Hes usually out a couple hours earlier than me and thats when i feel he should use that as his alone time (mostly watching tv because i hate it) and in my time i go do the shopping and clean the house. I will talk to my sister on the phone sometimes for a while but i dont like to when hes here. I go to bed later than them so sometimes thats my time to think or read a book. But i would never do that when hes awake. I dont know how much time you work but about four nights a week i get out at 8 at night and one of the other two nights hell come home around 4 to 6 and of coarse we have sat off which is family day....to me thats no time together. Even if we had more time i would still want to be woth him every second. I would get offended if he were to go out without me. I see us as a couple and we should be doing everything together. Even my other family comes second. Only a few are important to me...I love my sister but will only visit with him or when hes at work. If he didnt want to go to a family event for some reason i would make an excuse to blow it off if he had the day off. If i really wanted to do an activity and he didnt i would sacrafice not going. I dont think im wrong, i think two people have to be on the same page. We fought recently because a family member flew in he hasnt seen in years and he took her on a day trip. I had to work until 2 pm and he took the day off to bring her. He already spent time with her earlier in the week and we had plans to take her out later in the week. I was really offended. I know people psychologists say its unhealthy but i really dont like spending time with anyone else. Its exhausting to socialize when you dont want to. When im at work i get chummy with a few people but the friendship ends when i punch out. I dont want to hang out wih other people and their kids and worry about if i take their car im stuck with them when they want to stop places and then i feel like im going to offend them when i say i want to leave because im bored....its so much better just to work and go out wih the two people i care about most. I have never felt suffocated.

kittymeow...

I got off track i meant to suggest maybe a small job for her even if it was one day a week for a couple hours and that could be your free time

Lebellion

Why is that his responsibility? She is the only person who knows herself best. Quit giving slack advice for the man to handle

Hey man, just tell her she needs to get some hobbies or get a new man. You obviously have aspirations and goals, any woman wants that.

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rishita

if she think u'r all in all for her then she would like to do something for u.if its so then give her some of ur work and tell her that u love this work or its very urgent for u but cant have time cos u have to do some university work or some other work.suppose u like to write novels then give her some work related to that like ask her to proof reading some pages u wrote. nad some other things like this related to u specifically.gradually she'll have some interest in that work and u could also have some spare time to do things u like to do.hope this will help.

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Pongoingp...

Your gf reminds me of myself. My boyfriend has also found this situation troublesome. You need to encourage her to socialize with her peers. My bf used to get annoyed when I wanted to hang out with my homies and I gradually allowed those relationships to drift away. But now he wishes me to enjoy my surroundings. For some time I forgot how to make friends because I was inexperienced for some time. You could try to introduce your group of friends along with their girlfriends to your girl. Girls are more inclined to befriend their bf's friend's girl simply to avoid awkwardness when the guys are doing their thing. If your girl is consumed with uni stuff ask about her co workers or classmates. Theres a good chance she does talk to people. Again encourage her to expand those relationships. For hobbies, the best thing you could do for her is to buy her a pet like a dog. That will give her something to do and gives you your time. Hope this helped!

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booyah

OK #1. Do not get her a Dog. The Dog will eventually be your responsibility, because it was YOUR idea. If she really does WANT a dog, be very clear that it is HERS and get her EXACTLY THE ONE SHE WANTS. IE, if she wants a shepherd, get a shepherd, not a shepherd mix, not a rescue, etc; a shepherd puppy that she chose. I now have 2 dogs, by chance because the first one was not perfect, and the second one fell in our lap and WAS "perfect".

I am struggling with this in my own relationship, and I find that the best things to do are to try to amplify her interests. If she likes pictures, buy her a camera. at least the camera wont bark at the neighbors, poop on the rug or eat your shoes. if she likes Halloween suggest she make your costumes from scratch if she can sew (start in July/ August). etc etc etc. my GF likes to cook, I hate cooking so I buy the groceries. you will find a balance, once she is preoccupied. just make sure that you didnt get a dog, otherwise now you cant go do what you want to do because it's your turn to watch the dog!!

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risdom_wi...

My girl and I are going through this right now too. It really sucks! I have struggled with the idea that my longing for independence can only be satiated by being single but I refuse to accept that to be true. For the girls who are reading this, a guy like me needs space. Not away from you but space to spread his wings. I love making music and playing sports. I wouldn't care if she wanted to make music with me or come out to the park with my friends and I but she's always so blah about things like that. Show some enthusiasm! All we can ask for in our partners is to be happy with us. No one likes to feel guilty and no one should feel guilty for something someone else is doing.

I'm done feeling guilty for my girlfriend's inability or unwillingness to make friends or divulge into hobbies. I will continue to support her and help her through her journey in life but maybe she needs to feel guilty for not being happy when I am. I often get the feeling that when I am enjoying a good time with my own friends and family that she is annoyed or bothered, jealous even. It's so weird.

Anyways, if you guys have any thoughts please share them. I feel like an a** hole writing this but it feels good to be able to get this off my chest.

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Myrri140

Why is she getting jealous for when you are having a good time but when you want something she is all blah about it?

x_badtz

Hey, after reading this post, I can honestly say that I feel 100% the same exact way as you. Can you please lend some advice if you have already solved this problem? Thanks so much

ValyaMali...

Hi.. Ive been in the same situation but i am the gf. My bf have been staying with me since early of our relationship which i didnt agree at first. I constantly packed my stuffs and wanted to move out everytime w argued eventho only small fights. He conviced me nothing bad in staying together blablabla. I rented a house before i was with him and eventho we already stayed together i still paid my rented house in case i needed time for myself or if we argued. After several months he conviced me stay with him permanently and bring all of my stuffs and move in with him. It took me awhile to make decision as i was thinking it might be a good idea so i shouldnt have to pay alot to the place i barely stay at. I then moved in with him. He spent whole of our time together and each time i wanted to hang out with my friends he seemed not cool about it. So i started to say no everytime my friends asked me to go out until they got bored asking me and never really asked me. The idea of moving in together started to feel crazy especially because we just started dating, we barely knew each other completely and we stopped spending time with others. I became so needy to my bf as well. I was not ok everytime he wanted to go out with his friends. I let him did it but id make sure hed go with alot of uncomfortable feelings because he left me home alone. His friends started to talk shit about me and asked him to break it off. The really convinced him how bad i was as a gf. We then broke up. After 2weeks he apologized and begged me to take him back. He literally did everything to win me back. After we got back i spent 4months at my hometown. He came to visit me on christmas. When i came back to the country we live we started staying together again. But now he always spends his time with his friends. And take a note, this happens every single day. He finishes his work at 8 and hell be back in the midnight. 2nights ago he even came back at 2am. I am all alone and tbh i forget to make friends. My other friends dont really get along with me anymore. I feel like crap because since we started to stay together my anxiety and panic attack came back again. I need to deal with alot of depression, anxious, anything you name it every single time without his consideration. I try to speak about this he just said we need to go to psychiatrist. He even told me living together is seriously not a good idea so once our contract finish he wants to take a house by his own and i need to take mine by my own as well. I know he wants the best for us and thats pretty much fine but sometimes i feel like if you cant stay with me now how can we stay together in a near future ? Nothing much gonna change right?I dont know if i am being pessimist or is it because i have poblem with my mentality or what but this literally put me down. What should i do?

Bates

Iam exactly the same way. I never go out I dont have many friends. I use to always get mad at him, and also jealous when he was with his friends. Same sometimes with his family. Then we would get in a fight and everthing he saidsaidade sense and sounded stupid. I would be with him all weekend then he would see his friends for a couple hours and I would get so upset. Then I noticed how timid he was around me with everthing almost scared of me, lol scared I would get mad at him. Afarid to see his friends. Then I relized how in every shape size and form he did put me first he also took my feelings into consideration. If he would go out every couple hours he would text me and tell me he loves me. Every need of minebwas met. I cant get mad because he has alotbof friends and I dont and I love him and no how much it would hurt himbwhen we would fight. So i stopped and if I start to . Feel any certain way I sometimes go online and read other people's stories. Good luck
..

Bates

BBQchicke...

I'm going through the exact situation too! I feel better to know that I'm not alone, but it sucks that we are all going through this. This situation is not ideal to be in, and I love my boyfriend and everything, but just like how you expressed with your girlfriend, I feel guilty for doing the things I love because he's upset that I'm not playing with him.

I used to have a lot of hobbies I enjoyed doing by myself, but I can no longer do any of them without him feeling neglected. So I've tried to do them when I'm at his house so that at least my presence could comfort him, but then he tries to pry my attention away and gets upset either way if I don't talk to him. If I ask for alone time, he'll think I'm trying to avoid him and want to break up with me.

This guy is wearing me down. I love him, god, I really do - but his insecurity is weighing me down. I can't do anything I used to do, I've lost most of my friendships because I had to spend 24/7 with him and he didn't get along with any of my friends and somehow got me to choose him over my friends, and he somehow makes me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with people when I have a chance to.

The thing is, I know my boyfriend has hobbies. He enjoys playing the guitar and making music, but suddenly that all stopped. Now he just wants to see me every second, spend time with me as soon as I'm off work and done class, and if I don't reply to him within 20 minutes after his text, he sends me a "Goodnight" in the middle of the day as if he's not going to talk to me anymore. He doesn't trust me when I go out to places with my friends, thinking I'll flirt behind his back when HE was the one that cheated on me in the very beginning of the relationship. Not once, but twice. He was three-timing three girls, and unfortunately, I was one of the girls. I still haven't forgiven him yet for not telling me when it actually happened, but I'm still with this guy because I love him.

But, ugh, his insecurities are really frustrating me. I sound like a broken radio now. But damn, I don't know what to do. My friends have said he is a manipulative person, but I don't think that's it. Yes, he comes off manipulative because I don't think he realizes how bad he comes off. When I confronted him about his choice of wording, he blew up and threatened to break up with me if I ever accused him "like that again."

I don't know. This felt nice to get off my chest too. Also really long, haha.

TLDR; my boyfriend is almost exactly like your girlfriend.

LynnCookies

I'm a girl... but I agree. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend feels the same way. Because I sensed that he felt this way, I got a second job on top of my full-time job. I worked from 70-80 hours per week primarily to make sure that he got his personal space, away from me. I've done this for the past almost 4 years, and just quit one job this week. I've been home 3 evenings in a row (something I haven't done in years)... and we are already getting on top of each other since he's used to doing what he wants all the time without me hanging around, and I do not enjoy any of his hobbies. You're not wrong... guys definitely need their own personal space. If couples are meant to be, they will compromise and find what works for them. At present, I'm trying to find something I enjoy that I can do with all my new "free time".

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Myrri140

If she isn't devoting all her time you(as she is supposed to) then bring her to where you are interested (don't force her) but let her try it out.

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Brandi_el...

I am that way with my boyfriend. But I also enjoy his hobbies and I have come to make them my own. His hobbies are riding dirt bikes and working out I do both and he loves the fact that we can do things together and have fun. I need to find my own hobbies and I have tried numerous things like scrapbooking, or making jewelry which don't get me wrong I like doing but I feel like I need to be accomplishing more. we have been together a year and a half and we are completely happy. Maybe try getting her to go to the gym or even looking up exercises on youtube I do it every morning.

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Grendel

Im running into this with my own gf, so far she's shown little interest in my hobbies, or anything i try to get her into is met with total lack of enthusiasm, she gets upset when i go hang out with my friends or even my own brother. Ive brought her with me to a friends party, and she mostly stuck with me the whole ti.e, she said she tried talking to people thrre, but they either walked away or grilled her on why she was there (wich doesnt sound anything like my friends) she said she doesnt have any friends she can get out of the house and hang with, but unless its to work, groceries, or with me, she doesnt leave the house. Shes not lazy, she cleans all the time, she just doesnt go out on her own.

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rebelnana

Give her money and let her go shopping. With some female friends of yours don't forget money for food

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partycats...

You might be able to get her to try stuff you enjoy or show her something new and different. I don't have much more to say so there is my response :)

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yamakenfag

Im the girl and i'm the one having this kind of problem. Well probably because we're in a LDR but i think he said something about him being attached so i guess it's really in his personality. I'm not good in multi-tasking as he is so when im doing something i need my full attention on it but since he feels kinda depressed when i don't talk to him i end up doing things half-assed and i don't feel quite good about that. i'm also the type that when i feel mentally or physically drained i just drown myself in my hobbies, that's just how i cope up with stress because if i talk to people i get stressed more. So right now i'm really busy so i can't talk to him much. He doesn't get angry at me but i really feel that he's so depressed and in low spririts when i talk so i feel annoyed and guilty at the same time.

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jay18s

It sounds sort of similar to what I am going through with my girlfriend. She doesn't have friends and is lonely the only one she has is me, but I found out she has social anxiety. She can't eat in front of people she gets paranoid sometimes and she gets depressed. When I go out with my friends and just have sometime to do things away from each other she doesn't say anything about it. She does let me go out have fun or do my own things, but when I come home I catch her talking to her dogs which she already owned before we even got together. Or I find her sleeping with them on the couch. I have seen her try talk to people and I noticed she begins to stutter and tends to be socially awkward. She notices that because she ends up getting embarrassed and I see her be hard on herself. I would've never noticed if I didnt start to pay attention.

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Brandon12

Ask her what she likes. Then if there is a club or something, ask her to join. But of course you should join her too just in case she feels lonely! :-)

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askingstu...

yeah introduce her to new activities. i thot every1 knew that

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JayMur

Just reading this has brightened my day - to know that I am not the only one in this position.

5 years together, the last three have been toxic and it is all because of her dependency on me. She has no friends, no hobbies and gets crazy angry at me for doing so much with my life. I'm 24, have a great career in IT, I am a singer and am constantly working to make that dream happen for me and I refuse to allow anyone to hold me back, as much as I love her I just have to be blunt with her that I am going to do what I want.

It's created so many problems for us. She wants to spend every second with me and for years I have just allowed that. I have a promising career in music but I just abandoned it for years because i couldnt spend time in the studio or networking with other musicians at events etc.

She now just works and then wants to come directly over to me when sometimes, no.. a lot of the time, I just need to be on my own or out with friends where there is no negativity because that is all i get when she spends that much time with me.

I am not ready to give up on the relationship, I even feel guilty at the thought of leaving her because I don't want her to be alone or feel sad or depressed. I don't know what to do!

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