I’ve been supportive of my wife offering opinions and listening after her grandparents recently died. Obviously, her mom is grieving so she wants to visit her 4 hours away and stay for 5 days. I told her I won’t be going if it’s that many days but it’s more complicated than that...
1. Her brother, his wife and 2 kids live there...
2. They have taken over the house and kid stuff everywhere, including my wife’s old room, which is now the 5 years olds “study room”. They even have a huge playground set in the back yard.
3. We just sit in front of the TV, which would be on Disney+ the whole time.
4. I told her 5 days is too much and she said “then don’t go” and got mad.
5. It just feels uninviting and poor father-in-law shows it too in his own house.
What should I do or say?
My sister-in-law recently spent the night but slept in her parents’ room because he old room is now the kids’ room.
Is it wrong I don't want to visit mother-in-law after her parents died?
- Posted:
- 3+ months ago by maszepol
- Topics:
- mom, mother, wife, offering, visit, parent, listening, law, opinion, grandparent, laws, parents, mothers, mother-in-law
Responses (1)
It is actually quite simple.
1) Per societal norms, a husband does what his wife wants / requests.
2) Per societal norms, a husband dislikes his mother in law.
You see where I'm going with this?
What I'm wondering is why you're so averse to the "dad life", as aptly described in your bullets. Does your marital arrangement preclude offspring, at least in this current stage? Have you some kind of high demand job that can hardly tolerate prolonged absence?
To be clear, I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel as you do, but you should present it in a manner which your wife is less likely to reject outright (i.e less logic and personal reasoning). You say it's a burden on her aging parents (and father in particular). You say you're willing to be there as long as it takes, but inquire what she's planning to do during that time. You mention required prior arrangements. You go and pay your respects, then discuss departure based on how the situation progresses. And sometimes you sit around the house for 7 days because that's what religion says you gotta do.
At this stage, if you're gonna earn back the points lost, you'll have to make some effort.
Oh, so it's more of a casual hometown visit then.
What I meant by dad life is having kids running around dominating every corner of the house, regardless of what he did.
I understand your frustration, having a similar 'freeloader' uncle (for various reasons). There likely isn't much to be done though - a mother wouldn't abandon her child, and depending on age she might prefer to be with her grandchildren every day than be alone, at the cost of sharing residential space. Siblings' sentiments on the matter may vary (she might be more sympathetic to his situation, unwilling to judge family, or vexed as you are), but they still want to see their parents whilst possible.
Death is an emissary bearing a reminder of human transience. How much she's affected by it, I haven't the slightest, but maybe you should ask how she's feeling.
Thanks for your comments and advice.
We arent going for a funeral. They died almost 2 months ago in Mexico. We are visting because she will be back after being in Mexico the whole time.
I thought I did present it with personal reasoning, stating that it doesnt feel inviting anymore since her brother pretty much took over the house.
I have nothing against the dad life but i dont agree that the dad life involves taking over your own parents house with kid stuff everywhere and your own parents not being able to watch their tv because its on kids network tv all day and then your in-laws insist you stay there but there isnt a place to sleep anymore because, like i said, brother-in-law took over the house and has claimed 3 of the 4 bedrooms.
I actually love my in-laws, I guess i was just ranting about the stuff my brother-in-law does and takes advantage of the situation without contribution to his family. My wife's parents go away and when they come back they realize their beds/ furniture has been replaced to accomadate the grandkids with new stuff in a "study room"