... only do we fight -- but it's over the little things and then it gets nasty. We hurt each other, tic for tac. I'm tired of being angry all the time; I'm tired of being hurt and hurting someone I do care about. I think it would be healthier to leave, for me and for him, but...I love him, and I'm not sure I want to give up on the relationship. Advice, insight? Please
Responses (1)
You both have to learn what is worth fighting over, what is worth compromising on and what is worth ignoring. It is part of being in a relationship and most people, especially today, are unwilling to do the most important thing - compromise, which HAS to go both ways. This is why the divorce rate is so very high. There is no magic cure for it, you both have to commit to the relationship and deal with each issue as it arises. Once you decide that you are comitted to each other you'll find that it becomes easier to compromise on stuff. I've been married for nearly 20 years now (45) and my wife and I still fight over stupid stuff, over stuff which is very petty (in my mind) but is obviously important to her. Sometimes I grit my teeth and change my ways other times I don't. She does the same too.
Sometimes I do stupid shit but rather than try to get out of it I've discovered after many arguments that is it simpler to just say yes, I was stupid and apologize. Even if I don't mean it!! Sometimes she'll drop stuff in my lap at the last minute and expect me to deal with it, pisses me off no end, but I know she doesn't intend to make my life miserable it's just an aspect of her character, in a way it's a compliment because she thinks I'm able to deal with it better than her. I put up with that because the small annoyances are more than made up for by the much bigger pluses.
Basically you both need to stick to the relationship, find ways where you can both have what you want or if that's not possible then one of you has to back down for the other and they need to respect that and do likewise on another occasion. Compromise is key.
If he (or you) are dominating the relationship then it will not work, a healthy relationship is a two way street.
Not impossible at all, work through the issues together and you grow stronger together :)
Thank you. Right now, we've been going through a rough patch, financially, and I think that's been adding to the stress, but it's nice to hear that if someone married for nearly 20 years, arguments and all, and are still making it work, then maybe it's not as impossible to work through as it feels.