For a very long time, I've been feeling that I'm crazy, in need of psychological help, and that some disorder is screwing my life up.
However, I'm very distant and closed off from everyone (even family) so I do not talk about personal problems or feelings(when I actually have feelings.) I'm just going to tell you what symptoms I have..
-I often have periods where I feel emotionless and empty
-I often seek isolation. Like being locked away from everyone and everything
-I've done self injuring behavior, like cutting, burning and hitting myself
-I sometimes blank out then come back not remembering what I did(sometimes)
-sometimes during those moments, I would hurt animals... I never mean to.
-sometimes when I daydream I feel like it's real and I say/do actions portrayed in that dream while it's still happening..I know this because I wake up in some of them and realize that I'm somewhere else.
-I lie all the time and sometimes for no reason.
-when I get into relationships, It starts off good For them.. I treated them well, showed passion and love, kindness, caring.. But I tend to lie, be extremely distant, sometimes emotionless or sometimes very rude and judgmental. I have on and off feelings for that person(I love them then I don't repetition) Sometimes I don't give the person the attention he/she wants. And when that person wants to leave me I desperately try to have them stay.. I don't even know why..
-when they don't want me anymore I end up having daydreams of hurting them or killing them
-but I sometimes normally have those thoughts. Not with anyone in particular though
-sometimes I can be a completely different person. I believe that someone is living within me named Delilah. She's basically a schizoid, who is empty and always destroys my relationships. I think that I am a very shy person, distant, I have emotions, I want everyone to love me, I feel periods of extreme confidence then extreme insecurity, I take criticism personally but I deny it, I feel paranoid that people try to expose me and criticize me, and I basically show all of the symptoms to avoidant personality disorder(where I'm distant yet I want a relationship but believe that I'm too screwed up to be in one). Sometimes I can be convinced that we're both the same person but I deny it because of our differences. But sometimes everything just blurs up and I don't know who I am.
-sometimes when I'm not Delilah, she talks to me or argues with me. When we argue, she often torments me with memories of my past(I haven't been through anything too tragic though) but it makes me want to hit myself. And I usually do. Mainly when the past comes up, I end up feeling insecure and stupid..
Can somebody please tell me what's wrong with me.. Just so I could know and possibly get help.