I have been in a relationship for about 8 years, I'm 29 and he is 31, recently we got engaged to be married and we've set a date for next year. The only problem is that my fiance and I do not live together yet, he has his own home and I live at home with my parents. He takes care of his disabled sister which I understand. But he has two sisters and one younger brother whom do nothing much in helping with his disabled sister who has downs syndrome. I always understood that he would be caring for his sister, along with this other family members. Recently he has told me that once were married his sister will be moving in with us and that will be that. This news has distraught me as I'm working full time and only come home a few hours in the evening and I'm home one day on weekends. My job is very hard, I stand up on my feet all day. I wouldn't be able to come home and take care of someone else's responsibility by any means. I know this seems so harsh, but that's how I feel. My family is also upset and do not want me going ahead with this. I spoke to my fiance, on why his other sisters or brother doesn't take any responsibility but he replied that their partners do not want to take on the burden. So why is it that I'm being forced in to this. I know his brothers and sisters will not be able to take care of their disabled sister as they can't even take care of their own children. My fiance is always looking after everyone and meeting everyone else's needs but his own.
I want children in the future, and I've seen how agressive his sister can be around young children, I will be scared for my own children's safety. I'm not sure how to go about this as if I refuse I will lose him for good as it's such a sensitive subject for him. I know no one is perfect and everyone has baggage, but this is something that is giving me sleepless nights and I'm unable to concentrate at work. The thought of it is stressing me out, I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle it when it comes to the point where I'm a carer too.
I might sound selfish, but I have been brought up in a very good household, my family have never given me any stress and my parents are honeslty very laid back and have always given me so much love. I'm mature but I'm still young and want to enjoy what I have left of my youth. When I'm married I want to come home to my husband and my children, I want to be responsible for them and only them. I talked to him about care homes but he feels strongly about that not being an option.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Would anyone else accept this situation, especially considering my age? or Am I just being selfish? I guess I'm just trying to justify the situation and I can't talk to anyone else about this as everyone is saying just give him up. Oh!!!!
Thank you so much for your response, I appreciate it very much. You are right I have a lot to think about as I do not want to enter a marriage unsure on how my day to day life is going to be affected. Some people have a lot of maturity and can handle work, life, kids and a relative whom needs care, but I don't feel as if this is me right now. Maybe ten years later, but now with my hectic life I do not have time for me let alone big responsibilities.
Thank you for you advice I will talk to him about care options for his sister at least for now. At the moment she is kept home everyday and is very stressed and if I was to have children, noise will stress her even more. It's not good for her health nor mine, I wouldn't be able to get home from work and look after someone who would be dependant on me and him that's just a mess waiting to happen I can tell.
I was worried that I would be judged, I have nothing against anyone who has a disability and I am compassionate towards how life must be like for her and others in her situation, but I do not have the experience to care for someone as it would only be a unhealthy household for all of us. I would resent him for expecting so much and he would resent me for refusing.
I just want to be a newlywed and keep the honeymoon period for as long as possible,
Wish me luck for the talk