I am 20 years old and words can't describe how I feel. But to sum it up for this, I feel like a looser, failure, and no good. Starting the story as a sophomore in high school, I was always in special education and was treated differently for being in the class since 1st grade. I never had a huge social life at all, I spent most of my middle/high school days gaming. And do I regret it. By the time I was a sophomore I hated school so much, hard time getting good grades not doing homework seeing friends in the halls and whatnot. I ended up not returning to high school junior year and instead doing online school. I finished high school and have a high school diploma. It was hard seeing my classmates graduate while I just got sent a diploma in the mail. I was seeing a psychiatrist after high school because I have always had stomach issues since I was a kid, a part of this made me leave high school as well. I was ready to attend a tech college for small engine repair because that's where I feel like I should of been, it's one of my stress relievers. I got a apartment, moved in and was ready for my college life. Again, seeing my "classmates" all going to "real" colleges made it so hard to start my tech college life. I made it a whole 2 weeks at the school, and I dropped out. I felt like I hit bottom. Hopeless. I returned home and spent a whole year off from school. Some nights I couldn't sleep knowing I failed, I had suicidal thoughts thinking about how I am a nothing. Now with my second year off from school it's hitting me hard again, I no longer see a psychiatrist because it seemed like he did nothing at all. My brother and sister go to college in Chicago and it huts so bad to know I could be a sophomore in college, partying, friends, good grades your own apartment, while I'm 20 and at home with my parents. I should Also mention I have never kissed a girl....at 20 years old. I have been trying to start my own business and I have gotten little to none work from it. I have finally been meeting girls and all I do is get a "you don't go to college??" And I never hear back. This is the worst feeling in the world, as stated words can not describe how I feel. Driving around my hometown and not seeing anyone I used to see and just knowing they have moved on makes me sink into a hole. Not to mention the "seniors" of the local high school just moved onto college. Seeing everyone's facebook pictures of them in college and making something of their life's while I sit here. I don't know what to do anymore except grieve and know I have failed. It feels like I'm never going to get out of my town. My dad always has this attitude like he's disappointed in me but doesn't really say it. It's hard to even function anymore knowing I am a failure. Feels like I've fallen into a hole and will never be able to get out.