I am desperately in need of serious relationship advice?

Question

First, I know this is a lot to read. I probably wouldn't read it if I was you. However, put yourself in my shoes; I've been through a lot and know what's important. If you ever wanted to help someone, let the time be now. 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now. I am 20, he is 24. It's very serious. He was savings hisself for the woman he knew he would marry. Then he met me and he gave himself to me. 

I experienced a form of abuse as a child by my mothers relationship. Lucky I had my dad. I thought I was fine, until 4 months into the relationship. My boyfriend had stated he loved me, was absolutely crazy about me. It was then I started pulling away. Picking apart every word he said, yelling at him over everything, even though he's done every nice gesture in the book. I have just been 100% negative. 

Just last month he was saving for a ring I wasnt supposed to know about. He was planning on asking me in July. Now, although I have took a step by going to therapy to fix the issues at hand, he has threatened to end things if the negativity doesn't stop. 

Today, my therapist and I analyzed my issues (which was a lot) and how to fix them. My problem is I am comparing my relationship to my mothers abusive one. Thinking this way has put me in a depression state. I am being screened for PTSD next week. 

All I want is for him to be there for me as I endure this rough time. It was just two days ago he was saying I had potential to be a great wife, mother, everything. Now he's sayimg he feels like this negativity will never change and if it doesn't, he may have to consider leaving, after he promised me forever. Yes it's my fault, I shouldn't be blaming him. But I just wish I would have realized before that threat. 

Something else you should know about my behavior; I have threatened to breakup with him countless number of times just to get my way. I asked him if he was doing the same to me. He said no, he was serious.

I guess my question here is how can a mindset change so quickly? He says he doesn't wanna leave but if things don't change he may have to because he cries everyday.. Did he really mean the part about leaving? Also, what can I do now? He's being distant but he's still here..

Answer

My Dear With Reference To Your Word "Desperate",I Want To Advice You To Be Prayerful And Careful.You're Still Young.

Answer

Your boy friend clearly loves you deeply or he would have left quite some time ago. Problem for him is you've worn him down, he's now approaching breaking point himself. Its not your fault, you cannot help being as you are, but neither can he and he's at the end of his tether, as they say.

What he needs is to see you making a max effort to get the help you need and trying hard to change your attitude. Its also what you need to get your life onto a more normal basis.  So its in both your interests.  If he sees you are making those efforts, not just in words, but also in actions, then he will help you. 

Going at him over his promise is not going to help, far from it, it will just make him feel bad and add to his load. You should establish a code for your own conduct. When you want to yell at him and such, instead you bite your tongue and go into another room and vent your feelings by beating up a cushion or pillow instead of venting on him, as its not his fault you have this problem.  That will relieve the pressure on him, which seems very necessary.  Your solution is to work with him to overcome the problem, not against him.

Answer

I am dealing with a similar situation, but the man on his end. I am more in love with a woman than I ever thought imaginable and we've been together for 6 months. Recently her ex had stirred up some feelings in her that she thought were gone. Not love feelings but feelings of resentment for believing he was who she thought he was. She dealt with a lot of crap from him for 10 years and she finally had enough. Over the Christmas break I was with her and the girls for 3 weeks straight and he stalked us, with the girls in the car, sent her a photo and then we had to call the police. After I left to be back to my city he started taking his children during visitation to meet random women on different occasions. She had a breakdown and cried for days. She said she needed some space and time to let her sort out some issues in her head. I told her no matter what I will be here for her. I love her too much to see her hurt like this so I will ALWAYS be there for her. Whether she can feel better or not. I will always stand by her side until she is ready. She is my best friend before anything else. This is taking a lot of patience on my end because we talk for 4+ hours everyday and I LOVE YOU is always on the tip of my tongue. I am willing to wait until the day I die for this women because I know she is the one for me. If he is really serious about you, he will take your feelings and what you need above his own needs.

I am desperately in need of serious relationship advice?

Answers (3)