I think of my best friend as more of a sister. We're very close, of course.
Lately, she's become what I would call a little selfish. She's frequently saying.."I don't want to be there long, I want to get home, I'm 60, I work all week". This is becoming a broken record. It's almost as though it's her way or the highway. I'm also finding that she makes comments that don't make me feel very good.e.g. I was given a compliment about how I managed to back into a very tight parking space.About the compliment she said.."what, for backing into a spot?..I back in all the time". Why she took the compliment from me is a mystery. Her car is 1/2 the size of mine. I also made mention as to how I'm pleased at how my cousin manages to still smile considering all she's been through (deaths, etc.etc.). My friend said.."you get on with it..she has her music". I was complimenting my cousin, but why my friend said this is beyond me. It's her tone more than anything.
I'm a little nervous of speaking to her about these things (there are more) but I know she'll become defensive about it.
If you explain something to her, or show her..she'll say "I know, I'm not stupid".
All this sort of thing is really getting to me.
After the comment she made about the parking, when I went into my apt. building I was upset.
Update: Last week she was bragging to her boyfriend about how she helped someone who nearly fainted from
not eating for so long. She got a granola bar for the person. She went on & on about it, apparently.
To me, you simply help someone, & not go on & on about what a nice thing you did.
How should I speak to her about this?
- Posted:
- 3+ months ago by chatterbox
- Topics:
- close, sister, little, friend, course, speak, friends, best friend
Answers (3)
So what do you mean by explaining to her? Are you expressing to her how you feel. Does she understand that you are sharing with her something that is important to you and that she is taking it and turning it into to something equivalent to a hair ball? Here's the deal. Your friend doesnt have to care or put value into all the things you care about and value but she does have to care and value you. Friendships are give and take. They are uniqe. They are valued. And they can be over-rated. Sometimes a friendship can run its course. People grow up, change and grow apart. In some cases you learn that one friend is great for one situation and a different friend is great for another. The only thing worse then being mad at a friend is being mad at yourself for not doing antyhing about it and allow it to continue on. This is what I would do if I was in your shoes- I would sit my friend down and say lets talk. I would tell her that i care about her and that she is an important person in my life. thats why when i tell her something and she dismisses it the way she does, its very hurtfull and it needs to stop. I would explain to my friend that im not expecting her to value the things I tell her the same as i value them but i do expect her to show me the same value and respect that I give to her. I would then let my friend know its because i do value and respect her; I came to her and told her how I felt. Then I would ask my friend how she felt about what i said and what are her thoughts. Then i would ask my friend what could we do about making this a win/win friendship,
Often people think a response is expected when told something when really all you needed and was expecting from them was for them to listen. Me and my family are very opinionated so we tell each other up front when we just want the other person to just listen. And believe it or not it really works. But ultimately you have to decide on what you are willing to except or not except. What you expect and not expect. Change and will not change. Is this something the two of you can work through? I wish you the best of luck.
Next time, when she pushes away a compliment directed towards you, tell her how you feel. Don't be nervous and hesitate, it just shows her that you're not sure of what you're doing. Just tell her outright that you're starting to not understand her actions, make sure you enforce the fact that it's your opinion, so even if she defends herself, it won't matter, because it's your opinion and yours alone, it's your choice to change it or not. Tell her that you need and want some space between you two for a while, if she asks why, again, just tell her how she makes you feel. Don't use anger in your words, it can just be turned against you. Make sure you have a closer friend that you can inform about what is happening, in case this friend of yours decides to become really nasty once you explain to her how you're feeling.
Anyhow, just tell her outright. She needs to know, more for her sake, than others. Nobody wants to be disliked, they just don't realize what's happening to them.
Hope this helps :D
And I wish you luck!
It sounds to me that your friend has a self esteem issue. If every time you say something positive, she turns it into a negative, there is an underlying issue for that. You basically have two choices..Stop hanging out with her, or have a talk with her. Let her know how she is making you feel, say "When you discredit me it makes me feel that you don't respect me" or something along those lines. If she gets mad or continues to discredit your feelings then it is up to you to either deal with her being that way, or move on.
Thanks you for your input. Never ever do I make fun of or slight the things she feels
about, i.e. her son & his partner won't be moving back to the province for 3-4 years yet,
so my friend says 'the kids are coming home sooon'. I could very well say to her "well, 3-4 years isn't soon in my book, anything can happen then". I would never put a damper on her excitement. I didn't say anything either when she was telling me about them looking at home listings in the north area. I can't get excited about something that likely won't happen until 3-4 years from now..but again, I wouldn't put water on her fire.
I will have a light conversation with her & tell her that I don't dampen her excitement & I'd appreciate it if she'd not dampen mine.