So i lost my mum to cancer and i am in my twenties. Whereas all
my friends are now getting on with their lives, marrying and having kids i am still
picking up the pieces of my life from what has happened. To make matters worse my father is now with another woman. In a conversation with a family member i was told that it has been four years and i shouldnt be grieving anymore. Surely grief had no time
limits? I have now been made to feel abnormal and in need of reassurance. Thanks for your time.
Four years after my 48yr old mother died and I am told I shouldnt be grieving anymore. Views pls?
- Posted:
- 3+ months ago by manololove
- Topics:
- grief
Details:
Answers (5)
well you can grieve alot longer then 4 years some don't get over it even longer then four years but you should be taking steps to survive and taking care of your self better then you are i don't know how she died you didn't say what caused it but your mom would want you to get better and make changes where you would be doing your self good my mom passed when i was young and my dad passed when he could no longer work it was very hard to see this happen but it took me awhile to get back to basics sure your gonna grieve still but think of the upbring and how pround your mom would be if you used this in a positive way make momma pround she watches over you in heaven
Look, i know what ya mean. Ive been there many times. Its totally normal to be sad/develop depression/self harm after a traumatic thing such as that. (Based on youre mothers age i'd guess youre in youre late teens to mid 20s so youre about my age) ive never been in youre EXACT situation, but ive had my share of deaths. (My stepmoms sui quite recently, two grandmothers, my grandfather, my aunts sui, and many others) all of those have happened within the last 4 years (my stepmom only 5 months) and i am still noticably affected by it. My advice, is to tell your significant other, or if you dont have one, find one. (Someeone whos caring) it helps extremely to have someone to lean on. Another thing ive found helpful is telling a priest. (Or whatever religeon you are, i dont know the name for priest in other religeons) most religeons priests are sworn to secrecy, meaning they are required to keep anything you tell them between only you, him/her and god/allah/whatever. Ive found that they are very helpful if you need to vent. Much.better than a shrink/psychologist. Im not particularly religeous, but i still occasionally go to them when i need to talk. (I even went to a jewish preist once even though im not jewish) i hope my answer has helped, and i wish the best to you and your family.
Hi thanks for the reply. I am in my mid twenties and i have thrown myself into my work. There are days where i feel down but i try and pull myself out of being down as i dont want my mum to see me from heaven struggling. I want her to be proud of me. The comment has just made me feel like maybe i am not moving on quick enough. Thanks again for your help
You can grieve for as long as you want too, no one has the right to tell times up time to move on. However..... if it's getting to the point where your grief is making other people uncomfortable, if you are using it as an excuse for not fulfilling social or family commitments then you really need to look inside yourself and think about whether it's healthy for you to continue grieving.
I do understand your point of view, my wife is still grieving for her dad who passed on from cancer at 53, it's been nearly 12 years now and she has made a LOT of effort to deal with it. Until just a few years ago she used to break down when his birthday came along or if she saw something he'd made (he was a carpenter/artisan, made a lot of artistic wooden gates, doors, statues, etc).
Some people supported her, others felt she was being to much about it. In my opinion the only worthwhile people were the ones who supported her, grief does have no time limit and that family member you mention probably had your best interests at heart or might just have been an insensitive clot. Either way you're the only one who can decide when it is time to move on, consider your mother who wouldn't have wanted you to dwell and linger over her death. Grief is personal, it can't be shared just make sure it doesn't cause you to miss opportunites to be with people, to get that great job, to be yourself.
Hi thanks for the reply.
The comment has just made me feel like maybe i am abnormal and not moving on quick enough. I thought i was doing well considering. I have lots of friends and make myself go out with them. At the begining it was hard because i didnt feel
like it but i know who is genuine these days. I do not really talk about what has happened anymore because i dont want to bring others down. Maybe i need to talk to those who care more and ignore thoughts that they will get fed up of talkig about it.
Thanks for your help.
You are NOT abnormal, on occasion I still grieve for my grandfather who died nearly 30 years ago. The only thing abnormal are people who say "You should have gotten over it by now".. screw those people, if you still feel the need to grieve then do it, Queen Victoria greived for 40 years such was her love for Albert. To lose a mother at such a young age is a dagger to the heart, it will take more than a few years to get over..
I think it normal I'm still grieving too. My dad died four days before my 5th birthday and now it been 8 years and I'm 13 years old now, my mom married a guy only 16 years older than me it hard to not be depressed and I locked all my feelings inside and I don't talk to my mom about it also I cry in school a lot and when ppl asked why I'm crying and I tell them how long ago it was and they look at me like I shouldn't be grieving about it this long. If I were you I would see a therapist I see one all the time and it helps
I lost my mother 15 years ago. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, or miss her. Grief is something that heals over time, but there is no limit. The stages of grief also vary as years pass. I find that some years, during special occasions such as holidays & birthdays, I will be completely fine. Others, I can't stop crying and I feel as if life won't go on. I'm sorry to hear that the people around you aren't being as supportive as you need them to be. I hope you find some comfort soon.
Thank you for your reply. I am trying to find a kind of normality again. I have recently finished uni and found work. Sometimes i feel like i could spend days under a duvet but i fight on because i wouldnt want my mum to see
me defeated. I have had councelling but it didnt really help. The comment has made me feel like perhaps i am abnormal and so i just wanted a bit of reassurance.
Many thanks for your help