Favouritism making me feel suicidal?

Question

Okay, please have some patience to read this, I'm at a total loss and I really nee a bit of help.
I'm a fifteen year old girl who's been harbouring suicidal thoughts and low feelings for many years, but recently it's been getting worse, I can feel myself about to snap.
The first main problem is my home life. My father abandoned us on my thirteenth birthday, I've been raised ever since by my mum. She's always been too overprotective, for instance I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends until I was 14, and even now, despite always being responise, I'm not allowed out past 6- it's left me isolated from my peers and without any close friends left. I have a 17 year old brother and an older sister who I only see rarely cause she doesn't live with us. As much as I love my brother, he is a vile person- he showers once a week, hardly brushes his teeth, he doesnt flush nevermind peeing all over the toilet seat (which i always have to clean up) he's very lazy and extremely selfish , especially to my mum , but she treats him like gods gift. I'm totally in his shadow, it's starting to hurt me badly. She always shouts things at me like 'I wish you were never born' and denys it when I bring it up.since my mum is going through a difficult divorce I stay in so she doesn't have to be alone- yet he's favoured. For instance, I was mugged a couple of weeks back and she shouted at ME as if it was my fault my phone and all my money was taken, yet my brother complains his bed is uncomfortable - 'aww my poor baby I'm so sorry you don't deserve that' and she runs out and buys him a new one. It makes me feel awful. Last Christmas they all started opening the presents without me. She spends a ridiculous amount on him throughout the year,despite me needing braces which she refuses to pay for because 'its only one tooth' yeah mum one that digs into my gum! Ive done everything to make her proud, i get good grades. She never comes to any of my parents evenings, just my brothers. She always makes digs at my appearance and weight (despite me being a healthy weight for my height- I'm very tall.) My house is covered in pictures of my brother and sister- not a single one of me- in her purse there's a picture of them all, even the cat. It really hurts. And due to this isolation mentioned before, I've got no close friends- they get bored with my absence and move on. As if calling me Katnip wasn't cruel enough. Sorry this is so long, I just really need a bit of advice.

Answer

PLEASE dont kill yourself. even if i dont know you i would somehow feel responsible. you can always talk to me. just please dont do it. as for your situation, you could just tell your mom how you feel. sorry if that was a stupid sugestion. do you have any friends house you could stay at?or you could tell someone like a counsler. your mom could get in trouble. hope i helped. remember you can always talk to me.through private messaging on this site. :)

Answer

First off, you are having it tough, no doubt about it, but you are actually copping very well with a situation that would break strong adults. You are still young & so need support occasionally to pick you back up. To that end I will attempt to give an explination, based  on my experience of life, why your Mum & family are behaving.
 
In no way I can see from what you have said is this situation your fault.
It sounds like your Mum is a very unhappy person and has unconsciously made her son the recipient of all those unrequited feelings she still has for your Dad, which of course would appear as favoritism.
Also as your brother is going through the pig stage of growing up ( do boys ever grow up! & why does he remind me of my son?), she may also be frightened of him & spoiling him for a quiet life. He may act this way, because he too is hurt & angry at your Dad, and your Mum is doing what she can to help him, unfortunately you being so strong, quiet & no trouble may miss out as being thought to be ok & not needing her help?
 
You  come over as a very astute, clever, emotionally strong & mature young lady to arrive at your conclusions, also not be influenced by others bad behavior and carry on doing what  you feel is right, yet still be there for your Mum when she really needs you. 
I will say any parent would be proud to have a daughter like you. 

Maybe the reason why she wants you home, so not to be lonely, and is frightened that you may follow your brother & sisters behavior of always being out?  Feelings & companionship is perhaps the most valuable thing we can give each other, and it is you who she chooses to share this with. Unfortunately you receive her anger too, as it has no where else to go.

I do hope this makes some sense and gives you some real support to build on, 
As others have said here, find a way to have some time for your self away from the home situation that won't pull on the fears of you leaving, like sleepovers. Also find some one to trust to talk too.

You are an example to us all, keep it up & most of all be very proud of yourself.

Best wishes & take care.

Favouritism making me feel suicidal?

Answers (2)