I'm 19 and have a 15 year old girlfriend, please don't give me any negative comments about the age difference, I've heard it all and it doesn't mean a damn thing to me. Her father constantly makes her cry, he insults her, unrightfully calls her names like selfish and untrusting and it's gotten to the point where she begs me to run away from home with her. I'm scared of the consequences for both me and her if we are to run away and get caught, but I'm scared that if I don't do something soon she will either commit suicide, harm herself, or turn to drugs. I guess my question is what can I do to help her without getting myself into trouble? I love this girl and I can't take her being so sad anymore. Ive got to do something. Is there any way I can prove him to be an unfit parent?
Can anyone help me? Please?
- Posted:
- 3+ months ago by Blinkboy182
- Topics:
- negative, girlfriend, year, comments, ages, old, years, help, age
Answers (5)
This is a difficult question my friend! You mention the 'age' difference. Is her father angry at her simply because she has an 19 year old boyfriend? If that is the case, then, to a mild degree, one could sympathise with him. He may well be angry with her, concerned and upset at the fact that she may well be having sexual intercourse with you. At 15 she is, by law, not old enough to have sex. Fathers can and do become overly protective especially where their daughters are concerned. You sound heavily involved as a couple. Is your relationship distracting her school work or other aspects of her life? Her father will be watching and no doubt worrying about her, not only in the hear and now, but for her future! Will she make a silly mistake like getting pregnant and if so, will you stick by her or leave her as a single parent? Either way, who wants a 15 year old to become pregnant? Those are likely to be his worries!
Does her father get on with you, does he like you, is he 'OK' with your relationship?
You don't make that clear!!
You talk a lot about his unacceptable behaviour towards her. It does sound bad and damaging. He is either attempting to protect her {we all need to protect our children}, or, he just could well be a generally abusing father that would behave like he behaves whatever his daughters situation is!! If it is the latter then, yes, she does need protecting by someone else and he is an unfit parent.
Be sure of his motives before you attribute blame!
The other day I saw a young woman in the street with her little boy. The little lad ran out into the road and was nearly hit by a passing car. His mother hysterically screamed at him and smacked him. Was she protecting him or was she abusing him???
Thanks my friend for that further information. It does help quite a lot. As with most problems of this nature there is no 'quick fix' answer/ solution..I'm sure you are already aware of that!! Before I say anything else I guess there are a couple of things that I need to tell you. I'm a father, much older than you and have two children, a boy and a girl.. again ..much older than you. I trained as a psychotherapist, family therapist etc, etc. so, I do have a lot of personal experiences and personal feelings on such matters as yours.
You do sound like a really nice sensitive caring guy. It's a pity that her father won't allow himself to at least get to know you better as he may well warm to you a little more and be a little more tolerant of your presence and give you a chance. I know that that is unlikely to happen. You are most definitely facing a very solid impenetrable brick wall at the moment.
We do have to accept that; at present, there is little room for manoeuvre as far as he is concerned. His telephone threat says it all! His daughter is legally in his care and he has responsibility for her and he appears to be taking that responsibility seriously.
OK, so I'm just 'fishing' for a bit more information! You haven't mentioned your girlfriends mother and what she thinks? Does she have one? {a mother} If so, does she appear to be a little more approving of you or is she of the same mind as father? Does your girlfriend have brothers and sisters and are they aware of the relationship and if so, what do they think?
You did mentioned, 'church!' are they a strong religious family?
Of course, we should not forget the general 'moral' question! Is it right {in our society} that a 15 year old should have a 19 year old partner? I feel that if you asked 100 people that question then the majority would would say 'no' and those remaining would not necessarily be eager to say 'yes'. It's the demands/ expectations in our society and her father is highly influenced by that, as we all are! If you told those 100 people that there was not 'sex' involved, then I feel that their general opinion would change somewhat!
I have asked myself the same question. I'm a free spirited unbiased individual and if I had a 15 year old daughter who was going out with a 19 year old boy then, well, to be open and honest, it would not sit comfortably with me. Yes, I'd deal with that dilemma somewhat differently than your girlfriends father, but it would still be a dilemma for me, as it would most caring fathers!!
I would want to know for more about you. I'd want to know that you were not having a sexual relationship.
Needless to say, it is the age difference that is of paramount importance here! If you were 25 and she 21 then, no problem!!
There is nothing illegal or wrong with a 19 year old having a 'friend' that is 15years old and basically, that is all you are at this point In time.
You seem to be sure of the future {Marriage} and there is nothing wrong with that either.
Don't do anything silly like running away together. Apart from 'distance' it will get you no were other than being in more 'trouble!'
As I said at the start,there is 'no quick fix answer!' I know your need to 'do something' is very strong. Unfortunately you have few options. You girlfriend is feuding with her parents and missing you too! What can you do to make 'things' easier?
Are you able to text one another? If yes, then maintain that, give her comfort and reassurance.
I can only suggest at this point in time that you could consider writing to her father. Tell him how you feel, {but don't go over the top} that you both enjoy being together, of your respect for his daughter, that you are not and have no intentions, at this point in time of having a physical relationship with her and that you will promote her schooling and all of her interests.
It will not be easy to convince him to like you or accept you as his daughters boyfriend.. No father likes giving up their daughter to another man, whatever their age! You must bear that in mind.
It may well be the case that both of you {you and your girlfriend} are simply going to have to wait a couple of years before she is much older and thus free from parental control, she can then make up her own mind.
I do think that you may have to accept that notion, like it or not!
I hope what I have said has been helpful in some way!
Ok, first thing, i dont see any problem with the age difference you have. It could be worse (my old teacher got married to someone 15 years older then them). About the father situation... Maybe she should run away. Live with one of her close friends, but not with you. He will think its you and chase you down. If he figures she isnt with you he will leave you alone (maybe). Maybe consider running away to some relatives (together) like Uncles and Aunties (preferably ones you are close with and you know that they wont mind the whole situation. No promises that these will work, but they are ideas for you to take into consideration.
I know the age difference looks bad and sounds bad but honestly it isn't. When I was 15 I started dating a guy that was 20. We met at a church college retreat so he thought I was older. I didn't tell him any different for a week or two afterwards and by then it was too late. I am now 35 and look back on our two years together as the best first relationship I could've possibly had.
As for the father, no matter what his reasons there is no excuse for his behavior. I had a stepfather who would also say similar things to me. Eventually, I was able to leave and go live with my real dad. Is there any other family members? My first suggestion would be for her to seek them out and explain what is going on. See if they can get involved. Possibly they can talk to her father about his behavior and if nothing changes maybe she can live with them.
If that isn't an option then I think she should seek out councillors at school. It honestly helps to talk to someone outside of the situation. My motto when I was going thru this was "that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger". She should adopt that motto as well. She may not be able to get away from him until she is 18 but as crappy as living with him is, the only power he has over her life is the power she gives him. Meaning: she can be whatever she wants to be regardless of what he says. She has to know that what he is doing and saying is wrong so as painful and hurtful as it is, she has to learn to toughen up and say"he's an asshole and I don't care what he says"
Be for her what my older boyfriend was to me - my saviour. Honestly at a time when I was going thru all that he was the only one who I felt was in my corner telling me all the time how beautiful,funny and smart I was. He made me feel special and loved and I honestly believe that I made it thru as a whole person because he was there.
As for running away, I think your instincts are correct. You could get in a ton of trouble of the illegal variety! Since she is a minor and you are an adult and her dads a total jerk I think u could possibly be charged with kidnapping. I'm not certain but it seems it would be possible. So unless he is physically violent I think you need to find an alternate solution. If she is stuck it's only for 3 more years. I know it will feel like forever but like I said she will have to develop some tough skin and not let him break her!
I wish you both the best of luck and hope it works out!
First and foremost:
At any time have you been on the premises and seen WITH YOUR OWN EYES her father:
Hit her, grab her, touch her any where on her body, or touch her on any part of her body considered inappropriate?
Belittle her, curse her, call her names, threaten her, purposefully ignore her if she attempted to talk to him?
Dressed inappropriately or minimally,
fully nude, or genitalia exposed?
The reason I am asking is what first hand knowledge do you have?
Her telling you, showing bruises, crying or pleading is NOT first hand knowledge.
I have known cases where the teenage girl described severe abuse, showed bruises, hysterical sobbing, threatening self-harm, begging to be saved. One boyfriend tried to kill the father and one boyfriend ran off with the girl to save her.
The problem was that both girls were lying and NO ABUSE HAPPENED. Bruises were self-inflicted, they had active imaginations, were excellent actors, and highly manipulative.
So before you work yourself up in a froth make darn sure you know first hand the truth, not hearsay of only what you've been told.
If you've seen it first hand you report it to the police; you tell her to report it to the school nurse, report it to the school guidance counselor, report it to the school principal who is required by law to report suspected child abuse to Childrens' Protective Services.
As an adult, If you take off with a minor and cross state lines or just go on the run you stand to be jailed.
Tell her to turn her phone on and record conversations with her father to be used as proof with CPS.
Do not run away with her and do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by her threatening self-harm or suicide if you don't run away with her.
Help her legally. Good luck!
Our relationship isn't sexual, despite what people might think. I'm not the typical 19 year old, I love her for her. Let me make everything clear: he doesn't accept me whatsoever. I'm 19, 4 years is too big of an age difference to him, even though I'm NOT a bad person. I know that she is not legally able to consent to sex and I love her too much to get myself into any trouble and leave her without me to count on. If I was to get her pregnant I'd stand by her and our child, I fully intend to marry her one day. Our relationship is completely secret. He called me and told me menacingly to stay a way from her a week into our relationship about six months ago. I never get to see her or talk to her since he doesn't let her leave the house other than for school or church. It's ridiculous. He's unreasonable, he's a straight up dick. I'm sick of doing nothing about it already