I've been facing bipolar depression for almost three years now. I honestly think I've run out of solutions at this point, so the internet is my last solution.
I live a life where every day, I struggle to get out of bed for school. I literally have stone feet as I move around my house. Honestly, I see no point in even continuing going, because my grades are terrible, and it just makes me feel worse once I get there.
Every day at school, I try fitting in with my little band of friends, who I'm sure I annoy most of the time without even trying. I'm pretty sure I annoy them more when I try talking about my problems, because every time I try, I can never find the words, and I often repeat myself. So, to stay with them, I try solving their problems as best I can, but my efforts often go unnoticed.
After a long day of school, I usually go home to a dysfunctional family living in a movie theater. It is absolute Hell here, and I hate very second of it. My father has no idea what he's doing anymore (he faces his own suicide and depression; he tells me all the time). my mother doesn't seem to care, my oldest sister is a run down and pregnant prostitute, my older and only brother is the definition of failure (playing video games all day, no job, no life, no significant other, doesn't shower), my two younger sisters are stereotypical white trash school girls, and my niece is a terrible, undisciplined child. Not only do I face this, but I have no shower, no clean sinks, and a toilet that breaks more than not.
I see no future ahead of me. I can't even imagine myself in five years anymore. I used to want to be a YouTube gamer, but I don't see any point in it anymore. I don't see any point in anything anymore - not even going to friends' houses or getting up in the weekends. I used to be able to work on anything given to me, but now, when I type assignments, not even halfway through I just stare at the screen and wonder why I even bother.
I want there to be someone I can talk to for my problems, but counselors don't help, and I don't have any friends who want to help or listen. They just seem to ignore me when my eyes begin to tear up, which makes me cry even more.
I feel so useless I've accepted the fact I may die alone, with no money, no life, no family, no friends, no children, no pets, and nothing to be remembered by. I just want to die in an apartment with a bunch of puppets surrounding me, so at least it'll seem like something loved me before I passed on.
I want to commit suicide, but I fear the afterlife, and what may be on the other side. I've come far enough to attempts at poisoning myself with carbon monoxide (I think that's what its called anyways), but before I finally kill myself, I just wanted to see if anyone out there is willing to help. I'd be ever so grateful to the one who gives me a helpful answer. Before you answer though, yes, I have tried antidepressants and hotlines, but nothing seems to work.